Balancing my Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Pursuing a Committed Partnership
Being a gay man in my late 40s, I’ve spent many, largely enjoyable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I had a serious relationship which continued for four years, however it never fully satisfied me, in that I didn't experience love or sexually nourished. The fact is that my constant desire has been for casual sex. Whenever I start seeing any man, once the newness dwindles, I always get the urge to have sex with new partners once more.
Questioning the Feasibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to maintain a faithful partnership. I'm aware that many homosexual males engage in open relationships, but when I’ve witnessed them, they appear demanding, often causing significant heartache and envy for everyone involved. In many ways, I desire another man to care for me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, however I fear the emotional drain this might create. Should I just continue to have casual sex and accept that a long-term relationship is not possible? I feel somewhat confused.
Each individual's intimate path fluctuates. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your capacity to handle different types of sexual unions as fixed. What you need in your current state could easily shift down the road; eventually you might become less ambivalent and discover greater understanding and a suitable route … or not. One day you might meet a person who provides a transformative opportunity to you by reflecting what you want completely … and at another point you might decide that casual connections suit you best. Worrying about what lies ahead and playing the “What if?” game is simply rooted in fear and a waste of your energy. Aim to stay in the moment in your relationships, and recognize the value of each person you connect with intimately an intimate bond. When and if you are ever ready to strengthen genuine closeness with a single person, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a American therapy professional focusing on treating intimacy issues.
